Introduction

The insights I share here are not novel concepts or groundbreaking ideas. Rather, they represent a combination of my personal reflections, experiences with postnatal resentment, and my professional work with couples navigating contentious divorces, where resentment often plays a significant role. This piece aims to acknowledge resentment as a normal human emotion, explore what existing literature tells us about it, and highlight the lived experiences of people in intimate relationships after becoming parents. Additionally, it seeks to provide guidance on fostering healthier approaches to managing resentment in close relationships, including romantic partnerships, to prevent it from evolving into lasting bitterness and separation or divorce.

Defining and understanding resentment

The book, On Resentment: Past and Present (2013), explains that resentment is a challenging concept—both as a word and as a reality. Its meaning is often ambiguous, and its definition lacks clarity. In modern times, the term is frequently associated with lingering hatred. The Oxford English Dictionary defines resentment as a sense of grievance; an indignant sense of injury or insult received or perceived, a feeling of ill will, bitterness, or anger against a person or thing." Resentment is further defined in this book as a deeply intricate emotion, characterised by its quiet presence and suppression due to external forces such as fear, anxiety, or intimidation. Unlike hate or anger, resentment does not seek immediate confrontation but instead manifests as a repressed response rooted in frustration and bitterness. This suppression allows resentment to fester over time, making it difficult to act upon or forget. Unlike related emotions such as rancour, resentment is tied closely to memory, continually reviving the original source of pain and chaining individuals to a past filled with dark recollections. This persistent reflection distorts time, preventing individuals from living in the present or envisioning a hopeful future, instead driving a desire for revenge against perceived adversaries.

The concept of resentment gained prominence in the 19th century through the influence of the French term ressentiment, which introduced a nuanced understanding of the emotion in European thought, particularly in German philosophy and literature. This term emphasised resentment’s cyclical nature and its connection to memory, reinforcing its role as an enduring grievance. Philosophers like Nietzsche described resentment as a hallmark of the powerless, a reaction rooted in envy and wounded self-esteem. Similarly, Scheler connected it to societal dynamics, noting its prevalence in modern democratic settings where perceived inequalities in power, wealth, and education often fuel this emotion.

In interpersonal contexts, resentment frequently arises in close relationships. Unlike other emotions, resentment operates as a persistent, unresolved grievance, creating a complex interplay between memory, identity, and social structures. Its enduring presence underscores the challenges of overcoming emotional wounds, both individually and collectively.

The impact of a new baby on a relationship according to research

Research shows that most relationships undergo significant changes after having a baby. A study done by Twenge et al. (2003) indicate that marital satisfaction tends to decline after the birth of a child, driven by role conflicts and a loss of personal freedom. A more recent study conducted in 2021 from the University of Bonn found that relationship satisfaction fluctuates over time, typically declining during the first 10 years — whether or not couples have children. However, parents reported lower satisfaction than non-parents in this study, and the more children a couple has, the less satisfied they tend to feel. Mothers of infants are particularly affected, with only 38% of married moms reporting high satisfaction compared to 62% of married women without children.

Becoming parents often puts a strain on relationships, as essential “protective” factors — such as communication, intimacy, and quality time together — tend to decline. When combined with stressors like sleep deprivation and financial concerns, it’s no wonder that tension and conflict can rise after a baby’s arrival. However, many new parents are unprepared for these challenges, as they are rarely talked about openly.

Postpartum resentment

According to social worker and psychotherapist Heather Ratych (2023), several factors can contribute to mothers feeling resentment toward their partners after the arrival of a new baby. Caring for a newborn is demanding and unrelenting, often leaving new mothers physically and emotionally drained. This exhaustion can lead to frustration and resentment as they struggle to adjust to the intensity of their new role. Many mothers feel they bear the brunt of responsibilities associated with childcare, which can create feelings of being unsupported or unappreciated by their partner, friends, or family. Ratych further states that mothers often experience a loss of Identity. Parenthood is transformative, and some mothers feel they lose a part of themselves in the process. This shift in identity can bring about resentment and anger toward their new role as a mother. Furthermore, many mothers enter the postpartum period with preconceived notions about what it will be like, only to find that the reality is far different. The disconnect between their expectations and their lived experience can lead to feelings of disappointment and resentment.

The Mental and Emotional Load of Motherhood: A Mother's Perspective

When speaking with new mothers recently, many shared that they often experience feelings of resentment toward their partners. Motherhood is a transformative journey, one that demands not only emotional and physical devotion but also an overwhelming mental load. Regardless of the level of support from a partner, many mothers experience an intense sense of resentment towards the other parent — who, despite their best efforts, does not have to surrender their entire body in service of a tiny human being. This is true even in loving, supportive relationships where the partners (in these cases, fathers) are actively involved and highly supportive overall. The all-consuming nature of this role leaves many mothers feeling like they must be everything for everyone, often at the expense of their own well-being.

Many have shared that, despite having involved partners, they grapple with guilt for feeling resentful towards their partners postpartum. The resentment often stems from the disparity in how life changes for each partner. While mothers must navigate new challenges like breastfeeding, pumping milk, timing wake windows, and planning outings around feeding schedules, their partners can more easily resume "normal" activities such as work, exercise, or casual outings without similar constraints.

A typical day for a mother is not just about tending to her child's needs but also ensuring that her own necessities — eating, showering, or exercising — are met while constantly strategising around breastfeeding and pumping. For instance, something as routine as going to the gym is not as simple as just waking up and heading out. A breastfeeding mother must consider the timing of nursing or pumping before exercising, which often means waking up before the rest of the household. This intricate planning is a constant presence in a mother’s mind, adding to an already heavy mental load.

First-time mothers, in particular, report the exhausting mental load involved in even the simplest outings. Leaving the house requires meticulous planning — packing essentials, anticipating feeding schedules, and ensuring that everything is accounted for. Even when they manage to step away for some alone time, the mental burden does not dissipate. Thoughts such as “Is everyone okay? Is the baby crying? Will they give enough breastmilk?” loom large, making it nearly impossible to truly disconnect and recharge.

One mother described her experience of going for a jog, an activity meant to provide a sense of freedom and self-care. Yet, instead of being present in the moment, she found herself preoccupied with thoughts of her baby and those at home. The resentment surfaced yet again—her partner, when leaving for an outing, was able to focus entirely on the task at hand, unburdened by these persistent worries. This stark contrast in mental load often becomes a source of deep frustration and emotional exhaustion.

For mothers working from home or running their own businesses, the challenge is even more pronounced. Balancing professional responsibilities with childcare, breastfeeding, and pumping in between meetings is a daily struggle. Those who have returned to an external workplace find themselves juggling frequent pumping sessions, often squeezing them in between demanding meetings. The physical and mental toll of managing breastfeeding while working adds another layer of stress that is often unseen and unacknowledged by others.

It seems that, in many cases, resentment is less about the partner's actions and more a byproduct of these stresses. Mothers sometimes direct their frustration at their partners simply because they are present and emotionally connected.

Ultimately, the journey of motherhood is one of immense love and sacrifice, but it is also fraught with unseen struggles that many mothers silently endure. The mental and emotional weight of caregiving, planning, and sacrificing personal autonomy is something that is difficult to articulate yet deeply felt.

Although the focus of this article is mainly on the experiences of mothers, it is important to also note that fathers often face emotional challenges following the arrival of a baby. They may feel sidelined as mothers focus primarily on the newborn, and many experience difficulty initially bonding with the baby or meeting the child’s needs. This is often compounded by the fact that, in the early weeks or months, mothers tend to play a more central role in the baby’s physical care and survival.

Nurturing Relationship Satisfaction Through Communication and Realistic Expectations

This dynamic underscores the need for understanding, communication, and shared responsibility during this significant life adjustment.

A comprehensive review on relationship satisfaction over time, co-authored by Buehler (2021), highlights key factors such as clear and open communication, feeling understood and validated, spending quality time together at least once a week, and maintaining realistic expectations — especially avoiding the belief that a partner must be perfect in every way.

From my professional experience in my private practice, I’ve seen that parents who prioritise open, clear, and specific communication — while assuming the best of their partner rather than the worst — tend to foster stronger relationships. Being mindful of personal biases, assumptions, and blind spots, as well as prioritising one’s own well-being, also plays a crucial role.

Mothers and fathers with a strong support system who make intentional self-care a priority generally seems to cope better with these feelings of resentment. Lastly, seeking professional support, such as psychotherapy, should never be seen as a failure. On the contrary, it can strengthen relationships and ultimately serve the best interests of the children in the long run

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*Disclaimer: This piece reflects shared thoughts and insights from some mothers and is by no means representative of everyone's experience. Parenthood is deeply personal, and each individual's journey is unique. The feelings and scenarios described here are not universal and may not resonate with every new mother or family.